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| > Sermon Archive > Sermons by Author > Dr. Wes Bredenhof > Marriage is God's blueprint for man and woman to live in intimate relationship | Previous Next Print |
| Order Of Worship (Liturgy) All songs are from the CanRC/FRCA Book of Praise Hymn 6 Hymn 11:1,7,9 Psalm 101:1,2 Hymn 1 Psalm 147:1,4,6 Scripture readings: Genesis 2:18-25; Song of Songs 1; Ephesians 5:22-33 Catechism lesson: Lord's Day 41 |
Beloved congregation of Christ,
In Canada, when you go to the grocery store, they have these tabloids at the checkouts. Many years ago I remember seeing this headline in one of those tabloids: “Brad promises Angelina’s kids: I will be your real dad forever.” And it struck me: why is something like that a headline? Surely some of the reason has to do with the breakdown of families. Just the idea of somebody being a “real dad forever” – it strikes many people as being an unrealistic promise. We read the headline and we’re inclined to say, “Well, yeah, let’s see how long Brad and Angelina last.” So, the headline gets our attention and sparks our cynicism and not just because of the breakdown of families, but more particularly because of the breakdown of marriage.
Maybe you’ve heard the statistics about marriage. The latest news is that divorce rates are actually way down. They’re at their lowest point in 50 years. A lot of that is because far fewer people are getting married. But for those who do get married, the stats are pretty grim. The average marriage lasts 12 years, with many couples getting divorced long before that.
The seventh commandment was given by God to protect the good and beautiful institution of marriage. The commandment forbids the committing of adultery – breaking the bonds of marriage by creating intimacy with others outside the marriage relationship. Our Catechism focusses on unchastity as a part of that. Believers love God and want to show their thankfulness to him for what they have in the gospel. Therefore they maintain purity inside and outside of marriage. We could say this forms the negative side of the commandment: don’t compromise your purity by engaging in intimacy outside of the marriage relationship. The positive side is what we want to mostly look at this afternoon. The positive side is that, like Scripture says in Hebrews 13:4, marriage is to be held in honour by believers. God gave marriage to us so we could live faithfully not only in relationship with one another, but also in relationship with him. So, our theme this afternoon is this:
Marriage is God’s blueprint for man and woman to live in intimate relationship
We’ll learn how this blueprint is:
- Grounded in creation
- Vandalized in the fall
- Restored and fulfilled in Christ.
A blueprint is a paper or set of papers that’s meant to guide the building of something. It’s a detailed plan. Well, marriage is God’s detailed plan for men and women to live together in the most intimate way possible. And this plan was first laid out at the beginning of all things.
In Genesis 2, we read a more detailed account of creation, including the specifics of how and why God created woman. With almost everything God created, he could stand back and say it was good. But there was one gap. In Genesis 2:18, God said it was not good for the man to be alone. God said he would create a helper fit for Adam.
But God doesn’t do this right away. No, before creating woman, he first creates in Adam a sense of need. The animals parade in front of Adam and he names them as he sees fit. You can be sure that he noticed that there were two of every kind. Some of them looked the same – have you ever tried to tell the difference between a male and female magpie? But with other animals, it would be clear that there was male and female – think for instance of robins, the males and females are easily distinguished. So, God bringing the animals to Adam served two purposes: for Adam to name them and so exercise dominion over them, but also for Adam to feel the need for a helper, someone to complement him somewhat the same way the male robin complements the female – but of course in a much deeper way.
Genesis 2:20 tells us Adam felt the need: “But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him.” As a result, God created woman out of the man. God brought Eve to Adam and he rejoiced – this was the first wedding ceremony. And then verse 24 gives us a lens which brings the picture into focus: “Therefore a man will leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Here we see how the unity expressed in marriage originates with God’s good creation.
And this idea of “one flesh” captures the intimacy intended for this relationship – this isn’t just a reference to the physical or sexual aspect of marriage, there’s also a spiritual unity between the man and the woman. In every way, Adam and Eve were tied together in a natural and beautiful unity. Nothing stood in the way of their experiencing deep and meaningful intimacy between themselves. As a couple, nothing stood in their way from experiencing fellowship with their Creator.
We can see in all this that marriage isn’t a human idea. God took the first man and the first woman and put them together as husband and wife. One man and one woman together for as long as they both shall live – that was the blueprint for marriage.
In case anyone might miss that truth, our Lord Jesus reaffirmed it in Matthew 19. Christ reminds the Pharisees that it was God who put the man and woman together in close knit unity. Matthew 19:6, “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Christ spoke these words in answer to a question about divorce. And with his answer he showed that marriage is good and natural – it’s grounded in creation, part of God’s plan for humanity. But divorce is unnatural. Divorce belongs to a fallen world. Divorce only exists as a tragic remedy and with limited grounds, like when the marriage covenant has been violated by serious sins like adultery and desertion. In his teaching, our Lord Jesus was clear that marriage should be held in the highest esteem by his followers.
We can also see this high view of marriage in what we read from the Song of Songs. This reading captures the excitement of the intimate relationship that God intends men and women to be in with one another. This is the kind of relationship where you’re totally caught up in the other person – a relationship encapsulated and fulfilled by marriage. This is where husband and wife are most fully satisfied and enraptured with one another. Song of Songs shows us the godly giddiness and delight a married couple should experience – a man and a woman in a very close, intimate relationship. It’s a picture of two people living as intimate allies, and so also living in God’s plan. However, this picture is fragile. It can be so easily vandalized. Let’s learn about how.
The fall into sin is familiar to us. But how often do we consider what specifically happened to marriage? Prior to the fall, there was intimacy and unity. Adam and Eve trusted one another. But after the fall, intimacy and unity were broken by blame. Genesis 3:12, “The man said, ‘The woman you put here with me – she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” Adam didn’t take sole responsibility for what happened. Instead, first he threw his wife under the bus, he blamed Eve, and then, even more remarkably, he blamed God. “You put this woman here with me.” It was like he was saying, “It’s your fault too!” Blameshifting and a refusal to take responsibility for wrongs have afflicted marriages ever since. God’s detailed plan for intimacy and unity between husband and wife was vandalized by Adam and Eve.
And through the ages the vandalism has continued endlessly. Today, fallen people continue to vandalize God’s blueprint for marriage. Let’s just mention a few different ways in which that can and does happen.
We can start off quite generally by looking at what our Catechism says in Lord’s Day 41. It mentions unchastity outside of marriage. Unchastity refers to sexual impurity. Our Catechism explains the seventh commandment to forbid all sexually impure acts, gestures, words, thoughts, desires, and whatever may lead us to sexual impurity. When we talk about outside of marriage, we should be clear that sex outside of marriage is one way in which God’s blueprint gets vandalized. Let’s be explicit and blunt for a minute. There’s this thing called “hooking up,” very casual sexual behaviour often without any affection or commitment. Hooking up is against the seventh commandment. But so is any sex outside of marriage – even if you’re committed to one another in some vague way or even if you’re committed to getting married later at some point.
Our Catechism also mentions unchastity or sexual impurity inside the marriage relationship. This can happen when a spouse becomes focussed on selfish wants. More seriously, it can happen when a spouse becomes sexually abusive. There are situations where a spouse is forced into sexual activity against their will. That’s a real sin, and it’s wicked, immoral, and illegal. And of course, unchastity can also take place through outright adultery – breaking the intimacy and unity of the relationship by seeking affection in the arms of another. Let’s be clear that this doesn’t have to be a physical act. It can happen when someone becomes emotionally attached to somebody else through chatting online and so on. Oftentimes, that kind of emotional adultery does lead to physical adultery at some point. Regardless, the damage is done: God’s blueprint for marriage gets vandalized when we seek intimacy and unity with someone other than our spouse.
Of course, there’s also the matter of same-sex relationships. We don’t have to go very far into this. God’s plan is for one man and one woman to live together for as long as they both shall live. Yes, there may be believers who struggle with same-sex attraction – but that struggle is no longer there when you commit yourself to some kind of covenant with one another. We have to be clear that same-sex marriage vandalizes God’s plan for marriage.
Finally, we should be clear about another practice common in the world. It’s acting as if you’re married when you’re really not. We’re talking about common-law marriages, but also cohabitation, shacking up. In the light of God’s law, it’s not acceptable for unmarried couples to live together as if they’re married. The general rule is that you live separately before making your marriage vows and only after you’re married do you share the same bed and so on. Remember: the seventh commandment speaks about God forbidding whatever may entice us to sexual impurity. Generally speaking, living together before marriage is an enticement to impurity. And so also this practice vandalizes God’s blueprint for marriage.
All these acts of vandalism have consequences. Recall Proverbs 13:15, “The way of the unfaithful is hard.” When you vandalize God’s blueprint for marriage, it can be fun for a while, but eventually the chickens come home to roost. Think of the terrible damage porn does to marriages – breaking the trust and intimacy between a husband and a wife. Or think of what happens when couples engage in sexual intimacy before they’re married. Especially for women, that can have a negative impact on your married life. When couples have had pre-marital intimacy, they usually later experience a lack of romance, mutual blame, distrust, guilt, resentment and all kinds of other baggage. Prevention is the best cure. To all the young unmarried couples among us, I want to say it as clearly as possible: if you want to have a healthy marriage later, now is the time to say “no” to all forms of sexual intimacy. All forms – not just the one form that might result in pregnancy. Ultimately, this is about God’s glory in your life – that’s the highest and most important consequence. How is God being glorified when you disregard and even vandalize his blueprint for your life?
For those who have sinned in these ways, there is help, healing, and forgiveness in Christ. Christ is the one who gives healing and hope. In him there is a gracious way forward. So let’s learn how he fulfills and restores the blueprint of marriage.
We already heard something of Christ’s teaching on marriage and divorce. When he lived on this earth, he restored a proper view of marriage. The Pharisees had cheapened it through easy divorce. In those days a Jewish man could divorce his wife for the most frivolous reasons. All a woman had to do was burn her husband’s supper and she could become the ex. But Christ taught that divorce is only warranted in cases where unity and intimacy are irreparably broken by serious sin. Burning supper doesn’t qualify.
But more than this, Christ also showed the depth of the seventh commandment and how this commandment guards the closest relationship between human beings. Just think of what he said in Matthew 5 about looking at another person lustfully – this also breaks the unity and intimacy of marriage. Adultery isn’t just about physical acts – it’s about what lives in your heart. Christ showed that God’s blueprint for marriage isn’t just about external actions – keeping your hands off others – most importantly, it’s about what lives in your heart. Adultery inevitably begins with the heart. When we open ourselves up to others, when we glance a bit too long, when we flirt with those we’re not married to, we’re sending subtle signals that we’re actually on the hunt for a fling. We reveal what’s living in our hearts with our words and actions, subtle or not.
The best practical advice to avoid this is to always talk about your spouse with others in a positive way. When others see that you’re satisfied and happy with your spouse, you’re protected from adulterous relationships. For guys, when a woman starts getting a little bit too close for comfort, if you start praising your wife and kids, that’s the sure way to put the brakes on any further developments. Women can keep guys at bay by always making clear that their number one best friend is their husband. Then we show to others that an affair is the furthest thing from our hearts – we want to live within the framework God has given, that framework which Christ taught us. He taught a restored view of marriage.
Marriage is also restored by Christ when we consider how marriage is reflective of deeper spiritual realities. In our reading from Ephesians 5, it’s clear there’s a connection between the relationship between Christ and the church and our relationships as husbands and wives. The heavenly marriage is a model of how we should relate to one another in our earthly marriages. So, just as Christ is faithful to his bride, in the same way spouses ought to be faithful to one another – and that means: in every way. Christ is only intimate with his bride – he only has eyes for her, only cares about her. The church ought to feel the same way about her husband. And in our marriages, our commitment to one another has to be Christ-like.
You see, Christ gave himself entirely for the church and that forms our pattern for loving marriages. The kind of love we see in Christ is entirely self-sacrificial. Love is about giving, not taking and getting – what I can get out of it, having my needs met. If we look at Christ as our model for love, isn’t it true that the more we give the more we become like Christ? The seventh commandment relates directly to this. It forbids selfish abuses of the sexual aspects of our being – those aspects which are to be saved for sharing with a spouse. In this way, we see how the seventh commandment is restored and fulfilled in Christ – he gave himself entirely for the bride he loves.
Christ not only restores the blueprint for marriage, he also fulfills it. Christ’s relationship with his church fills up to the full what a perfect marriage should look like. This is only possible through the power of the Holy Spirit working in the church and sanctifying her. And through this work, through this relationship, we can look ahead to eternity. The time will come when there’ll be no more marriage. Marriage between men and women is only for this age. In the age to come, the only marriage will be between Christ and his people. In the new creation, we’ll be entirely focussed on Christ. We’ll be living in intimate relationship with him forever, being completely and utterly satisfied in every way with our Saviour.
As we reflect on this aspect of marriage, we can see that the fulfillment of the blueprint also speaks to those of us who aren’t called to the married state. When God’s will for us is that we’re single, if only for the time being or if permanently, our calling is to focus entirely on Christ. Sure, we may desire marriage on earth, but ultimately all of us have to realize how marriage is pointing us to relationship with Christ. And we can have an intimate relationship with Christ without being married – in some ways, it might even be easier, as Paul himself said. As singles, we have to find our satisfaction, our meaningfulness, with whom it will all ultimately be fulfilled in the age to come: with Christ.
It is significant that our Catechism’s first question in this Lord’s Day is about what the seventh commandment teaches us, not about what God requires, like with the other commandments. You see, the seventh commandment teaches us about how God views our sexuality and how believers will live within his blueprint for our lives. In that way, the seventh commandment also teaches us about the beauty and depth of marriage. This institution is so important that God gave one of the Ten Commandments to protect it. This institution is such an important part of God’s will for us that he gives his Son to teach us more fully about its depth and true significance. Because of all that, we’re motivated to thankfully and joyfully live according to this blueprint. In this way, we experience true intimacy, not only among ourselves as husbands and wives, but also ultimately, for all of us, we experience genuine intimacy with our God. AMEN.
* As a matter of courtesy please advise Dr. Wes Bredenhof, if you plan to use this sermon in a worship service. Thank-you.
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