Renewed In-Law Relations

Genesis 2:18-25, Mark 10:6-9

In-law relationships have always been the topic of jokes. There’s a question that’s often asked - if you were on a sinking boat with your wife and your mother, and you could only save one of them, whom would you save? The internet had some interesting answers. One said, “My wife of course, my mother has outlived her usefulness.” Another said, “I’d let both of them drown and keep the insurance money.” And the naughtiest one, a wife replied, “He better save me, his mother has her own flying broomstick.”

Now this is a tough question to answer and should never be posed to anyone. But these answers show how people view their own spouses, parents, and in-laws. Generally, most people will have in-laws - even if it is a brother or sister-in-law. And without a doubt, the in-law relationship can be difficult. Great strife has arisen in families because of difficult in-laws, whether parents or spouses, or children. But thankfully, we have instructions from the Lord how we can foster loving in-law relationships. After my messages on marriage and children, one asked if I might speak on in-laws and another on adult children living at home. I thought I would deal with both here.

There are three instructions from this passage - firstly, the husband and wife are one flesh; secondly, the son shall leave his family to set up another family with his wife; thirdly, the husband and wife must cleave together.

In Genesis 2:18 God said it was not good for a man to be alone - that he needed a suitable helper. God caused a deep sleep to come over Adam, he removed a rib, and formed woman from that rib. And God said in verse 24, “therefore” after he had created woman, “therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall be one flesh.” The last phrase - they shall be one flesh - we will take it as our first instruction. Now this truth is reiterated in Mark 10. Jesus said, “they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” So two shall become one flesh. They’re no longer two entities, but one. And who is the one who has joined them together? It was God, not by their own will.

Now, what is meant by “one flesh?” There are two things we can learn. “One flesh” tells us that the marriage relationship is the most unique human relationship ever - no other relationship enjoys this oneness. Mother and daughter aren’t one flesh; father and son aren’t one flesh; sister and brother aren’t one flesh; even friends aren’t one flesh. This does not mean other relationships are not special or significant. David and Jonathan had such a close relationship that David said their affection surpassed romantic love. Friendships can be special and significant. The fellowship between saints can also be sweet. Paul had such a close relationship with Epaphroditus and Timothy - they were dear to one another, willing to sacrifice for one another. He called Timothy a son.

But the marriage relationship is unique. Jesus said this relationship had been formed by God, who joined them together. This word “joined together” means fastened together - like how a carpenter joins two pieces of wood together with a strong glue or metal fasteners, or how a metal worker solders two pieces of metal together. It is a very strong word that symbolizes complete union. The two people are no longer two but one. That’s the intensity.

That’s why the “one flesh” principle makes marriage life long and exclusive between a man and a woman. It’s not a shared relationship. It’s so unique and sacred we’re told “let not man put asunder.” The husband, wife, their friends, siblings, colleagues, parents, and in-laws - or any other person - are not to put them apart. It is unique, and no other relationship is like it.

The phrase “one flesh” also tells us that this relationship is intimate in all ways. When Adam saw Eve, he said in Genesis 2:23 - “bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh.” This is intimacy. The word “bones” refers to physical bones, but it can refer to the inner man. Adam was saying that Eve was his inner person. And hence, it means that in purpose, mind, heart, convictions, they should strive to be one. There should be no secrets between husbands and wives, no locked area - so mentally and emotionally they must be one. Furthermore, the intimacy is physical. The word “flesh” tells us that Eve’s body doesn’t belong to her, but Adam, and his body doesn’t belong to him, but Eve. At the basic level, one flesh speaks about physical union. So important was this that Paul, in 1 Corinthians 7, instructs that husband and wife must be frequently. romantic. Only in marriage is nakedness not shameful. Now this kind of intimacy is not shared between parents and their adult children. Now case in point - Noah, when he got drunk; his sons saw him unclothed, it led to cursing and shame.

So because of this one flesh principle, anyone who hinders it contravenes the will of God. The marriage is not a partnership, but it is one flesh. That truth must be foremost in our minds when we talk about in-law relationships. Why? Because often in-laws hinder this one flesh principle. The mother may demand to be the most important person, or the father wants equal standing with the daughter’s husband. And not just the parents - but the couple too. Husbands and wives may be so attached to their parents that they hinder the one flesh principle. Marriages break up because wife or husband have paid too much time to their family to the exclusion of their spouse. So do we have a biblical one flesh principle?

Two things must happen. A man must leave his father and mother - that’s our next point of the sermon. Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother.” What is interesting here is that it says, a man must leave his father and mother - it does not say that a woman must leave her father and mother. This does not tell us that the man belongs to the woman’s family. But it tells us that the husband leaves a home and family, where he was under the authority of his parents to set up a new covenant home - a new family unit where he is now the head of the household. The head of that household is not his father ormother, but him. And if he is now her head, she’s not under her parents; she has left them to be beside her husband under his care.

Now this therefore gives us very practical implications - firstly, it tells us that those who are married are no longer little children, and therefore they are not obliged to obey their parents. The principle we saw last week - children are to obey their parents in all things, according to the Lord; this is referring to non-adult children, unmarried, and who are at home. So adult married children are no longer under the responsibility of their parents, and they don’t obey, they still honor. The relationship changes with marriage. They become peers. But what should they still do?

Proverbs 23:22 tells us - “Hearken unto thy father that begat thee, and despise not thy mother when she is old.” Listen, have respect, don’t despise them. But primarily, the wife looks to her husband, the husband looks to the wife, and both of them look to God. Yes, these married children should not stop asking for advice, but they don’t crave for approval. And while they can seek help from their parents, they should not be dependent. They must respect their parents, to seek Godly advice, and cultivate a loving relationship with them, and to involve them; this is because, as one flesh, his and her parents become related to you. And in times of difficulty and calamity, we must take care of them. Because they are now family, you need to love, respect, and honor them.

Now, just a side note about adult unmarried children living at home. And many before marriage are adult unmarried children, as in our cosmopolitan society, marriage is often delayed. And in Singapore, unmarried adults stay with their parents, because of property prices. So what’s the solution? Do they obey since they are not unmarried children?

Now, to remove doubt - marriage is good, it should be sought; it’s unique because it’s one flesh - but it may not be God’s will for everyone. And singleness is a gift of God - it’s not second best. God gifts the church with singles and married people. But what about parents and adult children? Unless there is a common understanding governing that relationship, it can be complicated living at home. Parents should not expect to treat their adult children as they once did - demanding obedience. If they have prepared their children to grow up, then now, they can fellowship as adults. They can submit to one another. They can give and take. They will respect boundaries and house rules. They can talk to one another. Adult children will contribute to household expenditure and bills. And this is also the case with adult married children living at home. There must be boundaries and respect. But invariably, some parents will feel compelled still to parent their adult children - married or not. Why? Habit - or because their adult children haven’t really grown up. When I was leading a study tour to Turkey, which was attended by my parents. I fell sick and decided to rest in my room, instead of going down to the restaurant for dinner. On the way down in the elevator with my wife, my father was very concerned that I should get food. He told my mother that they should dabao food for me. My mother wisely said that I was married, and my wife would take care of me.

Now, returning to this passage. What is interesting about it is its context. God created woman for man, and he talks about the marriage institution, specifically that a man should leave his father and mother - but remember that Adam didn’t have a father or mother - what relevance would this have for him? The significance of this then, and benefit, was so that Adam would know this principle when Adam’s children marry.

Parents should do their utmost in helping their children to leave them. It is important to teach sons to be spiritually mature and to be spiritual heads of families. It is important to teach them how to love their wives. Young men must be trained to be providers, protectors, prophets, and priests. We teach daughters to love their husbands, to support, to be good help mates, to be good companions, to pray for their husbands, and to learn submission. When we don’t prepare them to be independent, we harm them and their spouses. The goal is not marriage per se, but maturity. Many immature people get married. But when mature people get married, there’s less concern. And when they have left, they are another household - you can only gently and wisely advise, not to insist - perhaps not even to make suggestions - they do not owe you obedience. But yet, you are there to be present to give counsel when sought. And well-prepared children will still come to you for advice.

There are many examples of mothers and fathers who have not allowed their children to leave. Now, physically they may have left, but some parents still have a hold over their children, and have not released them. Now there are many reasons for this - firstly, there is a lack of confidence in your children, even though they are married. I’m sure my parents still lack confidence in me. But the question to ask parents is this - what have you done to prepare them, that they might have your confidence?

Another reason is a lack of confidence in the spouse of your child. Then why didn’t you object at first? When the minister asked - If there is any man who can give cause why these two should not be joined together? Speak now or forever hold your peace. And you are anything but peaceful ever since they got married. Hold your peace forever.

But the instruction to leave is also good for adult married children. And there are many examples of husbands and wives who have not left their families. The opinions of their families matter more to them than the opinions of their spouses. The way their mother or father did this or that is important to them. But you are a different unit now, talk it out with your spouse - decided what your family will do now. Yes, the problem sometimes is the married child.

When we were first furnishing our home, I would somehow call my mother about which appliances we should get - what brand and what capacity; all the while my wife was looking perplexedly at me. What does my mother have anything to do with our appliances? But she was not unaffected. We brought our mother’s ways of doing things into the household. In roasting food, I would always put the shiny side of the foil facing the food, so the heat could refract back onto the food. That’s how my mother always did it. And Gordon Ramsey says to do it that way. My wife, always did it the way her mother did it - putting the matte side up. But we both discovered through research that it doesn’t matter. Shiny does not affect convection and conduction - which is what an oven does. In the end, I listened to my wife and not my mother. Why? She’s my wife and the household is her domain.

So we must talk to our spouse and decide what we would do - let no man, not even yourself, or your already deceased parents, put asunder this union. Your spouse is the most important person - this was your vow, when you promised to forsake all others. To be one flesh, not only do you need to leave your father and mother, but you must also cleave to your spouse. This is the last point.

A man must cleave to his wife and his wife must cleave to him. The word cleave is the only word in the dictionary which has itself as its own antonym - cleave can mean stick or move away. What we often see is this - couples do not cleave together, but they are cleaving asunder. They are married on paper, but mind, spirit, soul, and body - they are apart. They do not think the same things, they don’t like one another’s company, and they don’t even have physical intimacy anymore.

This may lead to the ultimate cleaving - divorce. If you do not cleave, you will cleave. And one reason for this cleaving apart is because cleaving together is not easy. There are always problems - but we need to deal with the problems. Cleaving together causes sparks. Iron sharpeneth iron - when iron comes in contact with iron, there will be sparks. In a marriage, there will be conflict. Even the patriarchs had marriage problems - Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebekah concerning their children, Jacob had two wives, and had problems with Laban his father-in-law, you have Job and his wife who told him to curse God and die.

But just because it is hard doesn’t mean that we should not cleave. And cleaving together doesn’t mean that there will always be sparks. The Christian has the Spirit with him. The oil of the Spirit lubricates every Christian relationship. It’s because we don’t obey the Spirit that marriages fall apart. We just covered the old man and new man - if we don’t live according to the Spirit, then the works of the old man will manifest themselves.

But when spouses cleave more with the oil of the Spirit, they will become smoother, more mellow - like a fine vintage. But imagine if you will, if they do not pray, and if there is a third party - another iron rod involved, say, the mother-in-law - how many more sparks would there be? Parents need to pray for their children - they need to help them cleave together and not cleave apart. Avoid unhelpful comments, avoid gossip. Spouses must be loyal. If for example your mother accuses your husband of something behind his back, what should you do as a daughter? “Mother, I love you, but God says that I am to revere and respect my husband - if you have a problem with something he has done, you need to talk to him about it privately according to Matthew 18.” If a son comes to his father to complain about his wife - the father should advise him to stop, as this is disloyalty his wife, and hence disloyalty to his own flesh. And if a wife speaks ill of her parents, then the husband must lead her to keep the 5th commandment.

And when kids come along, that’s even tougher. Suddenly grandparents who once were strict with their children, are now so relaxed with their grandchildren. And frequently, they teach their grandchildren to dishonor their parents. Oh, if mommy doesn’t give, then grandpa will give. Oh, don’t tell daddy I gave this to you. We need to understand that in the end, the parents are the parents and the grandparents are not the parents. Much communication, mutual understanding, and submission is needed.

So what would a renewed in-law relationship look like? It would start with a biblical couple, where a man leaves his family and cleaves to his wife. They would love one another and be close to one another. Their parents would prepare them and pray for them and promote that one flesh principle.

Now back to the question - “If you were on a sinking boat with your wife and your mother, and you could only save one of them, whom would you save?” If your parents have taught you well, and have prepared you well to leave and cleave to your wife, and your wife is your helper, you and your wife, with mom’s advice, would’ve made sure there were 3 life jackets.

Conversation for Change