Infusing New Life into the Old Spouse

Colossians 3:18-19, Ephesians 5:22-33

Mary Elizabeth Wilson of the UK married and buried four husbands in the span of 3 years. At one of her weddings, a friend asked: “What shall we do with the leftover sandwiches and cake?” She replied: “We’ll keep them for the funeral.” She was charged and convicted of murdering her husbands by poisoning. In her defense she said she loved everyone of them. Scott Peterson of California was convicted of killing his wife. He was a serial adulterer and had a girlfriend at the time of the murder. In prison, he received fan mail and wedding proposals. He was a lady’s man - handsome, was in love with many women - just not his wife.

While most marriages don’t end in murder - plenty of other things happen - unfulfilled expectations, anger, resentment, cold wars, quarrels, separate bedrooms, unjust divorce, etc. Marriage is the single most difficult human relationship. While God allows divorce in certain cases, how can we overcome marital troubles in other cases? By putting off the old man, putting on the new man. This is Paul’s focus verse 18 onwards. He talks about the new wife and husband in verses 18 and 19; the new child and parent in verses 20-21; and the new employee and boss in 3:22-4:1.

Christianity is both a doctrine and a life. Faith and doctrine alone are dead without life. Real spirituality is seen in our dealings with others. They show our connection with Christ. And the place where this is most obvious is in our immediate social circle - the family and home, and then the work place - this is where we spend most of our time. Here in church, we see the better side, the facade - once a week; and already, there are conflicts.

But if a Christian puts off the old and puts on the new, being ruled by love and peace, filled with Scripture, speaking and doing all things in the name of Christ, then that Christian must have an impact at home. And it starts with husband and wife. Christianity will infuse new life into the old spouse. What happens? Firstly, the undutiful usurper changes into a deferential helper. Secondly, the bitter narcissist changes into a loving carer.

Firstly, the undutiful usurper changes into a deferential helper. In verse 18, Paul tells the wife to put off sin and to be infused with new life, to live that life. He says, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.” Now, Paul addresses the wife first. Why? Well, obviously, it’s because he’s chauvinistic and misogynistic right? After all, he used the word submit! He really wants to give it to these wives!

No. To be clear, if you look at these comparisons - wife then husband, children then father, servant then master - we see that the second person in each relationship, biblically and historically had the greater social responsibility to ensure the care, protection, and welfare of the first. So when he speaks to wives first, it’s because he had the graver and heavier words to give to husbands. So wives here, while Paul speaks plainly and so will I about the new, know that more is asked of husbands.

We believe that the Bible teaches the complementarian view of men and women. God created men and women equal - in every sense - in value, in ability, in honor - just as Christ is equal to God in every way. But men and women are different in role and function - just as Christ is different in his role and function to the Father. One is not inferior to the other. While different in role, they complement each other in God’s scheme of things. Christ submits to God as the wife submits to her husband. But because of the lies of the devil and because of sin, our perception as well as our experience are far less than ideal - both for husbands and wives.

We see that in her fallen state, she is an undutiful usurper. Sounds terrible. But sin’s that way. The Bible describes the natural desire of the old sinful unregenerate wife is to rule over her husband. How do we know this? From 2 sources. We know this by deduction, in verse 18. Paul’s command to the wife was to submit herself to her own husband, as it is fit in the Lord. So if submission is the action of the regenerate wife, then submission was not the action of the natural sinful state. And if submission is fit or dutiful in the Lord, then the old sinful behavior - which is not fit or dutiful to God - is not to submit.

But we also know it by explanation, we see that the natural sinful behavior was to rule over the husband. In Ephesians 5, Paul quotes Genesis about man leaving father and mother to cleave to his wife. And so let your mind return there. We learn Adam was created first and Eve was created to be a suitable helper. She was created out of his side - she is equal. But 1 Corinthians 11:3 says that the head of the woman is her husband - so there’s an order. Her role and godly impulse was to submit to him and to help him. But the fall changed all of that. When Eve was in the garden with Adam, she listened to the lies of the devil, and she took the fruit, and she ate it, and she gave it to her husband who was with her. This gives us the impression, not conclusively, but certainly the impression that Adam was beside her when she was tempted but didn’t stop her. Eve didn’t follow God, nor Adam, but ate the fruit.

She also gave to him - which he took. His sin led to her fall. Her godly impulse to submit and to help were no longer there. Instead, it was replaced by a desire to rule. Listen to the consequence of sin upon the woman. In the curse, God told Eve in Genesis 3:16 - “Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” The word for desire does not describe a loving desire but a desire to dominate and destroy. It is also used in Genesis 4:7. When Cain was angry at Abel, God warned Cain not to give into sin - “Sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.” If Cain was not careful, sin would govern him. And we know that’s what happened. Out of his jealousy, he killed Abel.

So this is the nature of the unregenerate wife - the desire to dominate and control her husband. But even in God’s words to Eve, while her desire was to rule over her husband, his was to rule over her. There would be a struggle at home - hers to dominate, his to dominate back. We see it in Cain - sin’s desires was to control him, and he struggled to gain mastery over sin.

We see this all over Scripture. Sarah schemed to produce an heir and gave Hagar to Abraham. Ahab was evil, but was made more evil by Jezebel. 1 Kings 21:25 describes how Jezebel his wife stirred him up. If you recall, she scolded him for not getting Naboth’s vineyard. She said - are you sure you’re the king? Just take the vineyard. Similarly, you have Zeresh - Haman’s wife. Who was not a help, but she stoked his anger and covetousness. She was the one who told Haman to build the gallows to execute Mordecai. And you have that famous account of Job’s wife - “why are you still so holy? Curse God and die!” In the first three accounts, the husbands were ruled by their wives, and it ended in disaster for them. Abraham had warring women and lost his son; Ahab was killed and Jezebel was thrown down the tower, horses trampled over her body, wild dogs ate her flesh, and defecated her remains all over Naboth’s vineyard. Haman was executed, and months later, his 10 sons were also executed.

A wife may have the temptation to feel contempt for her husband. She perceives him as weak, inconsistent and foolish. And it can be true. He makes bad decisions she feels she needs to rescue him from. He does not give her security and confidence by his actions. Perhaps out of anxiety she is a tempted to take over, to plan, to make better decisions than his, because his plans aren’t adequate. This leads to conflict. He dominates back. Some wives have been so bruised by their husbands’ bitter dominance, that they’ve been bullied into silence. Some have been physically hurt and they should call the police. Or maybe they experienced no more overt domination - husbands have, out of bitterness or passive aggressive resignation, let their wives do and decide everything. Okay lor, you do everything.

But this vicious cyclical conflict, that couples have endured for so long, can stop. Wives, the grief you feel can end. How? By Christian wives putting off this old sinful impulse, and putting on Christ’s newness. The new spouse submits to the husband because she submits to God. She puts off her desire to rule, and puts on a desire to submit. She helps him fulfill his duty before God.

This idea of submission is all over Scripture. But I want to emphasize that the idea here is not one of subservience to an authoritative and overbearing leadership. There are some things to note here. We note that submission is helping. The word “submission” in the Greek was a Greek military term meaning “to arrange troops in a military fashion under the command of a leader.” In non-military use, it was “a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden.” That meaning of submit then, has the same sense of help. The wife becomes a deferential helper - taking the lead from her husband - to help him. And remember verse 33 - the wife is to reverence or more accurately, respect her husband. Biblically, respect is not earned, it is given. Many of the husbands in Paul’s day may have been unbelievers - yet wives were to respect them. Just as Christians were to submit to governments that persecuted them. This is the response of a renewed wife and it is beneficial to her.

Submission is also intimate. It is to her own husband. This verse does not speak about women submitting to men. It speaks about wives submitting to their own husbands. It shows an intimacy. This is the husband that she owns. She owns his body. As much as he possesses her, she possesses him. God has given him to her. 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 says, “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” The wife owns the husband’s body. As Ephesians 5 says, they are one flesh. And so, as Ephesians 5:28 says, when men love their wives as their own bodies, he loves himself. There is a sense that this intimacy is beneficial. This is the same for wives. When she submits in love to him, to his spiritual oversight and decisions, when she helps him - it is beneficial to her.

And that’s why this submission is not absolute. The idea is not that the husband orders and the wife just follows. We do not subscribe to patriarchy. As Ephesians 5:21 clarifies - submit yourselves one to another in the fear of the Lord. As I said, husbands and wives are equal in the eyes of Christ, just as Christ and God are equal. But just as Christ submitted to God, the wife submits to the husband. But her submission can’t be to things contrary to the commandment of God. She is not obliged to do whatever the husband says. In fact, there are times when wives can’t submit to their husbands when their husbands tell them to sin. Wives choose to obey God rather than man. That’s why it is says in Colossians 3:18 - as it is fit in the Lord.

If the motivation is not the Lord, it will not last. It’s the same thing, if we are not setting our affections in heaven above where Christ is, then all our obedience will only be out of duty to the law - not love for Christ. But a right submission is beautiful - it is fit in the Lord. A wife’s submission fits the position she has in Christ. It makes her beautiful in Christ. This is because the undutiful usurper changes into a deferential helper.

But secondly, the bitter narcissist changes into a loving carer. Verse 19 says, “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.” The fact that Paul has to tell husbands to love their wives! That he has to tell them not to be bitter! Are these men so selfish and narcissistic and so resentful that Paul had to tell them to love their wives? Yes. Why? Because it is the husband’s natural selfish impulse to resent her.

In Genesis, when Adam fell, God asked him if he ate of that fruit. Adam’s reply to God was this - “The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.” Not only did Adam resent Eve whom he blamed for making him sin; but he blamed God who gave him the gift of a helper.

And this resentment can take the form of bitterness. The word can be translated as “angry or indignant.” Don’t be angry at them. Don’t be irritated with them. Fight irritation. The New International Dictionary of the New Testament “regularly denotes the bitterness associated with disappointment, hate and anger.” Why? This is the effect of the curse. The old nature of the sinful wife is that of usurping. The sinful husband will war against that. She wants to dominate? I will dominate back. I will fight. I will suppress. I will force her submission. Because Paul used this word, it implies that in the husband’s thinking, the wife has given him reason to be bitter. And he may even defend his harsh attitude toward her - she deserves it; or his uncaring attitude toward her - okay lor, fine - I don’t care anymore.

We see this attitude in some places in the Scripture. Adam was bitter against Eve. When Queen Vashti refused to follow King Ahasuerus’ ungodly instructions to appear before the men’s feast, he got bitter and banished her. The book of Esther tells us that he wanted to show off his kingdom to his guests, and he wanted to show off the beauty of his wife. He didn’t love her - he wanted to use her. He wanted to dominate her. And when she didn’t come, he banished her. But this is what renewed husbands must put off.

And he must put on a selfless impulse to love and care for her. Verse 19 says, “Husbands, love your wives.” Now, note that Paul does not tell husbands to rule over their wives, even though logically, rule is opposite of submission. But remember, that the husband ruling over the wives was the result of the curse. Howard Hendricks said, “A lot of frustrated sergeants are running around with biblical clubs in their hands shouting, ‘I’m the head of my house,’ and they’re the only ones that are convinced.” Love is absent. But the renewed husband loves his wife. Yes, Ephesians 5 speaks about how the head of the wife is the husband - just as God is the head of Christ. But God the Father doesn’t rule over Christ. As the head, what the husband must do, is not rule - but love.

His exercise of his headship must be loving - otherwise, it is worth nothing. Now, our text doesn’t deal with the specifics of gender roles. Or the division of responsibilities. That’s another message. But suffice it to say at this point, the husband has headship or leadership, and the wife is to help. And in doing that, what does Paul have to say?

He is to love and care for her needs. Ephesians 5:28-29 say, “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it…” He is to love his wife as his body. He is to nourish her. I think this means more than just to feed our wives - but to nourish her spiritually - to teach her. This requires our husbands to study, to grow, to be able to instruct. Not just doctrinally, but morally. And according to the context, to lead in living a holy life. How can an angry husband instruct his wife to be forgiving? How can a malicious husband lead his wife to be tenderhearted, patient, forbearing, and forgiving?

You see, the husband must be like Christ - whose aim for the church is to sanctify the church. Paul said in verse 26 - that Christ’s aim was to sanctify and cleanse the church with the washing of water by the word. So the husband desires to love his wife, to see her grow in holiness. Brothers, if we are gossips, liars, angry, sharply worded in group chats, not giving the benefit of the doubt, giving ourselves over to the sins of sensuality, not mature - how hard it would be for them to submit to us. But if they see your holiness, your kindness, not being bitter, being forgiving, patient, mature - you make it easier for them to submit to your leading, your instruction. It’s like yelling at your kids not to yell at one another.

And brothers, we don’t always want to surrender and grow do we? How can we love our wives to lead them spiritually, to be heads, if we unwilling to deny self, and die to our flesh. How do we cherish them? Jesus loved the church so much, that he died in the flesh. Love must be self-sacrificing. That’s the full-extent of the love. Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.”

When we are mature, dying to self, putting off old, listening to God, and leading our wives to love Christ, to be holier, praying for her, she grows spiritually. This then is the meaning - of loving his wife as his own body. When she grows in holiness, you will be happy. Happy and holy wife, happy and holy life.

But imagine the opposite. You are an angry bitter sergeant at home, unholy, not leading; your wife will usurp. And you will dominate her. And she will fight you. Unhappy and unholy husband and wife, unhappy and unholy strife-full life.

What are some applications? We have spoken about some. I’m sure couples here experience much trouble in the home. There’s unsubmissiveness and bitterness. Husbands and wives, if you return home today and husbands were to point out the unsubmissiveness of their wives - you’ve missed the point. If wives were to mock the frustration of their husbands and point out their anger, you’ve also missed the point. If you return home and choose not to speak about it because such communication is too uncomfortable, you’ve also missed the point.

Wives, pray for your husbands - that they will be holy heads of families. Submit yourselves to God by resolving in your heart to respect your husbands - to be a helper and not a usurper. Ask them for their forgiveness if you have despised them, if you have tried to dominate them. Husbands, pray for your wives. You, grow in holiness. Put off your sins of fraternity. Stop being bitter against them. Resolve in your heart to love and care for them, leading them in holiness. Ask them for their forgiveness when you have tried to rule over them, been apathetic in attitude, and been bitter against them.

So who should initiate it? Wives, if you said husbands, you are both right. But if he doesn’t initiate, what can you do to help? Dear, would you honor me and talk about this later? Husbands, if you are waiting for your wives to initiate, as you’re used to them initiating, you are wrong. Dear, let’s talk later. While your marriages have not resulted in murder, there’s probably a lot of deadness in it. Let’s infuse new life into the old spouse.

The Undutiful Usurper Changes into a Deferential Helper

Her old desire to rule over him

Her new desire to submit to God

The Bitter Narcissist Changes into a Loving Carer

His selfish impulse to resent her

His selfless impulse to love and care for her