Frustrated Parents and Their Angry Children

Colossians 3:20-21, Ephesians 6:1-4

In 2019, 23 year old man, Joseph McDonald of Melbourne, killed his infant son in a fit of rage. His child was 7 weeks old. He hit him over the head. And instead of sending him to the hospital, he returned to playing his PlayStation. His lawyer said he suffered from anger issues and video game addiction. He didn’t take care of his child. In 2015, a Singaporean mother called the police on her teenage son, claiming that he was beyond her control. He was in trouble with the law because he couldn’t control his tongue or his pen - posting inflammatory messages and recording vulgar YouTube videos. Currently, he is awaiting trial for child pornography charges in the United States where he sought asylum. Some may say he didn’t listen to his mother.

The parent-child relationship is perhaps the second most difficult human relationship under heaven, after marriage. In the curse, God multiplied the woman’s pain in labor. But that pain does not end. Child-rearing will be painful. She has brought a sinner into the world. And that sinner, has a sinner for a parent. Happy Mother’s Day! But, when the parent is in Christ - filled with heavenly affections, putting off the old and putting on the new, filled with Christ’s Word and love; being a parent can be very sweet. And when children obey their Christian parents, raised believing in and surrendering to Christ, putting off the old and putting on the new, they receive blessings from God - it is a wonderful redeemed relationship.

You see, God is concerned for the parent-child relationship. He desires a godly seed; he entrusts the care of children to parents. God devotes one commandment to that relationship - “Honor thy father and thy mother.” There, he addresses the duties of parents and children. And in this passage, there are 2 instructions that expand on the duties of parents and children. Firstly, rebellious and angry children are to obey their inconsistent parents in the Lord. And secondly, frustrated parents are not to irritate and discourage their stubborn children.

Firstly, rebellious and angry children are to obey their inconsistent parents in the Lord. Verse 20 says, “Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.” We will address the who, what, and why. So who are these children? They’re not adult children, but young dependent children living at home. How do we know this? Well, Paul speaks to husbands and wives - these have daily contact. Paul speaks to slaves and masters - also daily contact. Hence, these children also have daily contact with parents. They live at home.

Also, these are children still under training and discipline. Ephesians 6:1 says - “Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.” Verse 4 reads, “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” The word “nurture” literally means child training. The child is not yet mature, he still needs training. Like Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Training takes place when he is young, not old. Yes, all children must honor their parents, but adult children don’t obey their parents anymore.

These are also young children of the church. The fact that this letter was read in the church shows Paul expected children to be in the main meeting of the church. He believed they had spiritual responsibilities. Why? They were children of the covenant. They weren’t pagans, but children raised in Christ; required to obey and please God. He is their Lord. They had covenant responsibilities; just as the children in Israel were called to follow God, Christian children are called to follow God. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord - as Joshua said.

So who are these children? Children of the church, young children, teens, youth at home - Paul is speaking to you. Paul calls you to obey your parents! Why? Because you’re the children of the church. You are different from the children of the world. They don’t have this privilege of God speaking to them. But you do. God is speaking to you here. And what does he say? Obey!

And if Paul tells you to obey, it means by nature you do not obey. Children, you are by nature rebellious and sinful. As are your parents. Children, there are 3 words that speak about sin. The first is sin - when you do what you’re not supposed to do or don’t do what you’re supposed to do - you break God’s law. The second is transgression - this means that you don’t even want to obey. When Mom and Dad tell you to do something, there’s an instant unwillingness and refusal. The third is iniquity. It means that when we are born, we are already programmed to disobey.

And this is why you get angry - you don’t want to obey. But you also get angry because your parents provoke you to anger. Ephesians 6:4 tells us that parents sin and make their children angry. You feel it’s unfair. Parents say, “if you didn’t do this, I wouldn’t have gotten angry with you!” And you’re discouraged; you say, “if you didn’t provoke me, I wouldn’t have taken umbrage at what you did!” Who’s wrong? All are wrong. Yes, children, parents have the greater responsibility. Paul also speaks to us. But what does Paul tell you to do? He tells you to obey your inconsistent parents. Your Christian parents may be inconsistent, but we love you.

The word “obey” in the Greek simply means “listen.” That’s what obedience is - to listen to and do what your parents say. We are your parents; not someone else’s parents. We gave birth to you and brought you into the world. So in all things except sin, obey us. Don’t only obey when you feel like, when it’s easy, or you have the energy. Obey when you don’t want to, find it hard, or tiresome. You need to learn from us how to live. We’re there to protect you and lead you. So don’t resist us all the time.

But don’t obey like robots, unhappy, sighing or rolling your eyes - but willingly. Ephesians 6:2 tells you to honor us. This means to respect us. Yes, sometimes you find it hard to respect us, but respect the role. We honor parents, teachers, church officers, and the government - not because they’re right in everything, but because God has given them the job of watching over us. So while you may not agree with everything, yield yourselves to us. Give in to us. Don’t purposely do something to spite us. Sometimes children have that independent spirit - “Hngh!” You say, “They don’t want me to do this, I’ll do it to show them.” Don’t make us struggle in our hearts. Make it easy for us. Honor us.

Also submit to our discipline and teaching. Ephesians 6:4 says that parents are to bring their children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Literally, parents, nurture them by child training and instruction of the Lord. Children, your parents love you. What do Christian parents want of their children? We want you to learn obedience to God’s laws. God is good. He’s loving.

When I lived in London, the streets had Romani people - or gypsies. They went around with their children to beg. They were very persistent. Not asking, but demanding. And the children were trained by their parents to do this - to plead with people, to cajole them, to demand from them. But Christian parents don’t do this to their children. We want to rescue you from such sinfulness.

Without Christ, we are exactly like this. And you are exactly like this without Christ. You will live in sin. And so we want to teach you to follow Jesus. We were also like this - and we struggle with sin - so we must put off sin and put on Christ. And this is what we want to teach you too. We want to teach you that Christ can save you from your sins. Believe in him - that he is forgiving and merciful. Do you see your sins? When you do, and you ask him to forgive you, he changes your heart; only then can you be truly obedient from the heart. And so when we teach you about your sin, and correct you - you must know that we love your souls. And so, submit to our training and teaching.

Children (and parents), notice I didn’t say anything about studies, tuition, music, or sports, or handphone addiction. Those things are not unimportant - your parents are teaching you how to live in the world. How to use your talents and abilities, to be self-controlled. But what’s the point of being a world renown inventor, if your soul is lost? And if you’re distracted from important things in life, how will you ever mature? When will you ever move out?

But if you listen, honor, and submit yourself, what is the result? Colossians 3:20 says you will be pleasing to the Lord. What do I mean by that? You will please God in all your ways. He will look at your obedience and be pleased to bless you. How? Yes, he will bless you with long life. Now, this is a general promise. It doesn’t mean you won’t die of illness or accident. But if you learn obedience, you don’t lie, you don’t steal, you put off anger, you’re tender-hearted, you walk in purity; then you won’t grow up to be a liar, thief, murderer, or adulterer. You won’t get yourself killed by being reckless. But more importantly, it is a spiritual promise. He is pleased when you know your rebellion, your sinfulness, when you trust in him and live each day wanting to please and obey your parents. If you listen to the gospel from your parents, and you follow him from a young age, you’re guaranteed eternal life in the heavenly land that God gives you.

Children, this life is too short. Your next level achievement in your mobile phone game does nothing for you. That new movie or song by your favorite actor or artist becomes passé after a few years. Your worldly friends will only draw you further from Christ, and encourage you in rebellion. Instagram and Tiktok will not be in a few years from now. All the time you spend on it is wasted time. Unless you use it for worthwhile things. These will be like Facebook in no time. While these things are certainly not wrong, they are great distractors. What are you living for? Put off that rebellious heart, come humbly to Christ, purpose in your heart to obey him by obeying your inconsistent parents.

And yes, we are inconsistent, which is why next, Paul tells frustrated parents not to irritate and discourage our stubborn children. The fifth commandment is not just to children, it’s to parents. Again, we will look at the who, the what, and the why. Who does Paul speak to? In both Colossians and Ephesians, he’s speaking to fathers, or more accurately, parents. The Greek word is the same as the word found in Hebrews 11:23 - “By faith Moses, when he was born, was hid three months of his parents, because they saw he was a proper child; and they were not afraid of the king's commandment.” The word “fathers” can be rightly translated as “parents.” Like the word “mankind” also includes women. Don’t mothers also provoke their children?

And what we learn here is that parents are frequently frustrated. That’s why Paul tells us not to provoke, because we provoke. The word provoke in Colossians 3:21 means to exasperate, to irritate. We are not to irritate our children or discourage them - to agitate them emotionally.

And parents provoke because they are frustrated. We nag our children. Why? Because our children are not what we want them to be. They don’t do their homework, clean up their room, get straight A’s, practice their piano, get a trophy for sports, have good manners or grace. We are frustrated because we may be idolatrous. We take our frustrations out on them. Yes, these are not the most important things - but they are also not unimportant. But parents, we must remember that they may not all be gifted. Did you get all straight A’s? Is your house tidy? Do you have good graces or manners? Then why do you yell at your kids? And if our desire most of all is their salvation, yelling at them doesn’t get them into heaven. We must pray for them. Point them to Jesus. And children are at different levels of spiritual growth. And as sinners they are unable to obey willingly without the grace of Christ. And when we provoke them, we may be turning them away from the gospel. We can’t goad them into faith. Only Christ, by his spirit can remove impediments - only he can remove the heart of stone, and give them a heart of flesh. Jesus waited for a time when Peter was ready to be restored. The prodigal father waited for his son to return - after many years. Paul came to faith after being a persecutor. Jacob took years of wilderness wandering before he wrestled with God.

So what then are parents to do? We saw verse 21 briefly. But what it literally says is, “Parents, stop exasperating your children - stop irritating them, lest they be discouraged.” Stop. Put off. There are many ways children can be provoked. There’s anger and frustration because of our own idolatry. But there are others. John MacArthur suggests overprotection. Some parents don’t trust their children, deprive them, and lay down rules. They have no freedom. I knew someone who never gave house keys to her kids so they couldn’t stay out late and she could control them - what did you do? Where’d you go? Why did you go? Who did you go with? Why are you 5 minutes late? He also suggests favoritism - when you compare a child to the other kids who do better. You see so and so in church? Confession of faith already ah! Why are you not ready? They are so successful! This leads to discouragement. And he also suggests criticism. Nothing they do is good enough. Dr Chaim Ginnot said, “The child who lives with criticism does not learn responsibility. He learns only to condemn himself and find fault with others. He learns to doubt his own judgment, disparage his own ability, distrust everybody. Above all, he learns to live with continual expectation of impending doom.”

But parents, do the opposite. After putting off provocation, put on care. Ephesians 6:4 says, “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” It’s easy to scold. It’s not easy to instruct patiently. Child training is not easy. It’s a lot easier to give the kid an iPad, than to teach him to pay attention. And if he uses too much iPad, then you scold him. It’s a lot easier to yell and give harsh punishment, than it is to teach the correct way of doing things. But if you don’t teach, of course the child won’t know.

What are we to do? Teach them. Don’t leave the spiritual instruction to the church. Don’t leave life instruction to the schools - or the internet, or their friends. Teach them the Scriptures, teach them the gospel, teach them that life is more than food, raiment, and the internet. Jesus spent time teaching Peter. And yes, there are times when admonition is needed - as Jesus said - “As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten.” The prodigal father relied on time and painful life lessons to wake the son up. Paul was blinded before he saw Christ. That is why we need to use the rod. But let us make sure it is out of love. God is not capricious - he is not nasty. How does God treat us when we have disobeyed nor met his expectations. He forgives, he chastises, but never more than we need. In fact, it is always less than we deserve. And his chastisement is never the punishment of a judge, but the discipline of a father.

And this was an important lesson to the Colossians and Ephesians. Pagan parenting was harsh. It’s like Asian pagan parenting. I remember I took the kiddos for swimming class when they were much younger. And they were afraid to get into the water. And in my mind - I paid so much money for this swim class, how can you waste the money, get into the water! And I got frustrated. But there was a fellow Asian parent. Her child also refused to get into the water. The parent kept saying - you wanted a nice swim suit, I got you one. Do you know how much this class is costing me? Get into the water. If you don’t, I will push you in and drown you! Now, what was the difference between that pagan parent and me? Not much, but very much. We are just one step from being like pagan parents in our idolatry. How can the money we spent be compared to their well-being, life, and relationship with us? For Christians, Christ softens this harshness, not weakening the requirement of obedience, but giving greater prominence to love. And it does not force obedience, but brings children to the grace of Christ. And this is hard because we parents all want instant results. We are idolatrous. And when we do this, we lead our children to wrath.

Now, why are we to raise them in the Lord, and not to provoke them to wrath? It’s obvious. It’s what I’ve been saying throughout. It’s because parents love the souls of their children. They want their children to be pleasing to the Lord. They want their children to be right before the Lord. They want their children to have the blessing of eternal life in the land above. When we see the example of the prodigal son - we see the father in hope, waiting for the son’s return, rejoicing and hugging the son when he returned. That’s the joy we should have when our children listen to our loving instruction and respond to the Lord. But we also see David, weeping over the body of Absalom - the son who rebelled and betrayed him, crying “O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! would God I had died for thee, O Absalom, my son, my son!” He would’ve given his life for his son. He still loved Absalom and grieved for him. And we see the concern of parents for their children, who brought their little ones to Jesus so he would bless them. And dearly beloved, you must know how much God values the souls of your children. He spared not the life of his only begotten Son, pouring his wrath upon him, so that he would save our souls. He extends this promise of salvation to our children - whose souls are precious to him - and he calls us to teach them about Jesus and to live lives that testify of Jesus. Provoke them not to anger, do not discourage them, love them, and point them to Jesus. Children, honor your parents, believe and follow their savior, who is yours by faith. It is right in the eyes of God, it is pleasing to him.

These points have been in the negative. Rebellious and angry children are to obey their inconsistent parents in the Lord. Frustrated parents are not to irritate and discourage their stubborn children. But what can it be when we all trust in Jesus, put off the old and put on the new? God-honoring and peaceful children will obey their faithful parents in the Lord, and patient parents will encourage their submissive children to look to Christ. Children, can you purpose in your hearts to submit, obey, and honor your parents? Follow your parents’ savior. Parents, can we purpose to point them to the Lord by our own changed lives?